The fresh Hampshire: Rich But Embarrassed About this

Go through the method the guy proudly smiles upwards during the you from your phone monitor as he dangles his Connect of the day within ft of his luggage jeans-clothed ft! You comprehend the individuals pockets are merely filled with carabiners, hooks, and you will zero-ties! Imagine the sweet Boy Lookout you went to basic college or university with. Think about how they was indeed so of good use and you can realized all the various kinds of knots? Ok, now image all of them grown-up-and refusing to help you Venmo you $250 to possess his 1 / 2 of the newest abortion. Today visualize your ascending on the sunshine, which he phone calls “nature’s alarm clock.” Genuinely, I am not sure that’s even worse.

Nebraska: New Armchair Quarterback

You have been through three (3) java tables this present year since your boyfriend, a keen armchair quarterback of Nebraska, does not want to prevent crushing them from inside the outrage whenever his party manages to lose. The guy categorically will not believe that the players can not listen to your out of their family room and you will, thus, their article-fumble “Come on. ” cry was loud. All the Tuesday, unfalteringly, you might be both experiencing your phone call most of the mentor and player a banging moron, otherwise cold at the tailgate – never within real games, whether or not. He will never ever get over one 12 months and then he try nearly a third-string stroll-to your kicker to the Huskers, and because he discusses every thing this new really go out, neither can you.

Nevada: The new Perma-Bachelor

If perhaps my personal match complement myself in addition to Bradley Cooper’s performed about Dangle over, thinks new Las vegas Fuckboy, next my life could be over. There the guy happens, prowling through the pub with his shirt undone one key also of a lot, slurring their words and you may sloshing his martini. If only it tasted competitive with they appear, he wonders so you’re able to themselves. Never ever inquire him to take out-of his cups, since they’re hiding a pair of crusted, bloodshot sight which were once simple and you may packed with lifetime. He could be today a taking walks party servers, continual in order to his members of the family: “You get partnered? Loser! Simple fact is that unmarried lives for me personally, brah!”, not knowing he’ll feel condemned to enhance an excellent paunch, assist his costly match become stained and horrible, and stay one of many Las vegas slot machine game grannies, thumbing house on server and sipping a-two-liter bottle off diet plan Coke, wishing to profit the latest honor out-of his forgotten youngsters.

“Hey girl, failed to I see you in the Tri-Kap dager the other day?” is actually a normal opening gambit of one’s The brand new Hampshire Fuckboy just who is actually Steeped But Embarrassed Regarding it. An effective Dartmouth guy through and through, he is the ultimate eyes off option-lows, khaki pants, and you can a good blazer that can easily be worn at formals but also on their father’s boat club. Query him downright if he could be steeped, he’ll be quick to inform your his loved ones don’t very own a beneficial personal spraying – it is simply a share for the a discussed G6 between some of my father’s providers partners. And he has no a residence on Nantucket, it’s just a tiny summer-house to your beach close to the Obamas’ place. A great secret if you’d like to place your to the destination – inquire him in order to pronounce title off his very costly watch (Audemars Piguet) and see your squirm.

The fresh new Mexico: Brand new Connect

The Mexico, people say, is the land out of enchantment, a desert where your road trip desires can come correct. It’s nearer to a dusty horror where in fact the dudes smell like grime and you can smegma. The new North american country fuckboy, in the event the he or she is of Albuquerque, is way too desperate to show you sites out of Breaking Bad – you are aware, that house you can toss a pizza pie onto, or you to crystal meth hotel – given that that’s it they have. One, and his “I am the person who hits” shirt (stained), an extensive-brimmed hat (cannot fit), and you will Heisenberg eyeglasses (in reality a small strict so they really look within the and then leave red, welt-such as for example indents to your his head). In the event the he’s regarding Santa Fe, predict a comparable however with conversations about Ayahuasca therefore tiresome it is possible to need certainly to hurl oneself from the cliffs within Los Alamos.

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